I could hear her knocking at the door. It had been a bad day, and so she had come. I had made a bargain with her, with it, but a bargain with their kind always goes poorly. If I did not let her in, she could not enter, but she could do other things.

Worse things.

The little girl clung to my arm, her eyes wide. She had clearer sight than many, and knew what lay ahead for me. “Don’t go out there,” she whispered, her voice trembling. “Maybe she’ll go away this time.”

We both knew there was no way that would happen.

“Stay quiet, sweetheart, I’ll be right back.” And though I know she wanted to claw and scream at me to stay, she held on tight to the stuffed black kitten I’d bought her instead. Out the door to the dark mirror I went.

Outside the dark mirror gazed at me with my own eyes, the color leached from my skin and my eyes cavernous black holes reflecting no light. Her form was smokey, translucent, as if she was not quite here. As if it was not quite real.

Hello hello, it purred at me, her voice echoing into my soul. It smiled a cat’s smile, her teeth filed to razor points, happy to see the mouse had walked into its curled claws willingly. You’ve summoned me again. I’ve come to collect.

I waited silently. There was nothing I could say that would make this better, and most of the time it only made it worse.

The dark mirror stretched out a ghastly hand and touched my cheek. I closed my eyes and shuddered under her cruel touch. I felt slimy, disgusting, wretched. I wanted to claw my skin where she’d touched it. I wanted those smiling teeth to gut me and leave me bleeding on the floor.

Mmmmm, is this failure I taste feeding me?

I made the mistake of looking at her, not having realized she’d moved closer. Her obsidian eyes reflected myself back at me and I tried to run, but she wrapped her arms around me and coiled its ghostly legs into mine, tripping me and pinning me to the floor.

Failure, useless, waste of space, trash, revolting. You truly are as awful as you imagine. A cruel, self pitying, self indulgent little child who can’t take care of herself let alone anyone else. These are the truths I promised you long ago.

Unable to stop her given the hold she had on me, she pressed her lips to mine and I felt myself dissolve under her touch, my strength to push her away fading as she fed on my self hatred.

Instead, I remembered the deal we had made, memories washing over me in a gloomy grey haze.

Back then, I had been one with the little girl. I didn’t understand why I was alone all the time. Why no one wanted me. Why I wasn’t good enough. I sat alone outside in the autumn air, waiting for streetlights to come on, praying that they would bring answers. Instead they brought her.

It came for me as a fellow child, the little girl skin she wore bringing a cutting chill wind with her arrival. She smiled at me with sly but friendly eyes. Her teeth, even then, were razor sharp.

I know why you’re all alone, it remarked to me, turning outwards to the field I was staring into. I can tell you, if you’ll trade me something good.

I would’ve given anything for the answer.

“What is it that you want?” I asked, my voice robbed of its power by the whirling wind, but she heard me anyway.

I just need a bit of you to be real. Whenever you need to hear the truth, I’ll take a little piece of you and give you what you need. That’s not so bad is it?

And like a fool, I’d agreed.

Everytime I wanted to know what was wrong with me, she appeared and told me in exacting detail.

He won’t fuck you because you’re ugly and mannish, it declared when I was 22, scanning me. Look in the mirror and say it’s not true. Those shoulders are awful.

Later, at 27, she had said, They’re right to abandon you. Let’s be honest, why would anyone be friends with you? You’re miserable, unsuccessful, critical, boring. I’m only here because you pay me to be. 

Today had been awful. I wanted to let her take me away. But that would leave the little girl all alone. I clawed my way up out of the haze of memories and stared the dark mirror down.

“You can’t have all of me yet. The deal was a bit of me, not all of me at once.”

I held her gaze and saw her smile sadly before kissing my forehead.

She needs better than you, you know.

A final dagger to my heart. I felt the words pierce me and I could barely breathe around the ragged pain. I saw its hunger light up in its black hole, carnivorous eyes, knew she was poised to strike again, when I found the only words that could hold her at bay.

“You’re right. But I promised I wouldn’t leave.”

Her face contorted, and she screamed her fury into the night. I got up, feeling weak, exhausted, but at the very best not dead yet.

Inside the little girl ran up to me and I clutched her too tightly.

“No matter what, I will always be there for us,” I swore to her. “Always.”

She pulled back, and I saw my child eyes, my child face look at me.

“I know.”